the singing beach

the sand in manchester squeaks when you drag your feet across it.  it sounds like wet sneakers on a tile floor but it feels great.  the grains of sand are really large (i mean for grains of sand) as if they never got tumbled enough to become fine.  when you walk across the wet sand you sort of sink into it, especially when the waves roll in.  and there are waves! 

i sat on a rock with john for a while watching the little waves crash and waiting for them to get high enough to reach us, which they did.  i heard a little kid a ways off shout: "now this is freedom...AMERICAAAA!" 

john and i went to beta when we got back. we didn't eat dinner until we were too hungry to even look at each other, and we agreed not to talk until we had food in us.  but that did not last, john kept banging the jar of pasta sauce on the metal countertop and in my face and the hungrier i got the sadder i felt about my girls leaving, until the only things on my mind were food and wtp.  we poured some drinks and had a toast to my girls and i lost it.  i bawled.  i never bawl.  it was awful, i kept seeing ingrid's face get all scrunched up and teary, and i kept going over in my mind the note rae had written to me in my little book, and thinking about not saying goodbye to andrea and lacey, and seeing ingrid's face again, and every time i stopped crying john would ask me about my girls and i'd cry some more.  but i don't think this was the only thing on my mind anymore, perhaps the jar-banging and hunger and alcohol sent me past the edge, but the edge was resting on so much stress and frustration at not making much of my summer...

it's a few hours later now.  i spent today patching up john pants and then patching up mine.   i turned leggings into patches and the rest of the leggings into shorts.  played some scategories with the other tutors and lounged around.  i feel better.  i have two pairs of pants more than i did before.  spoke to brooke, made some plans for next semester.  i really hope everything works out with the studio setup we talked about.  i'm starting to get excited and scared for my classes, i don't even know what i'm taking anymore.  john said he can't wait till school starts, brooke said she can.  i just can't wait for it to end.